Today's Democrat Politician Horoscopes

"Hey, Democrap, what's your sign? Oh. Right. Duh."

Aries A good day to pretend you care about the children. Don't let facts cloud your judgment. Take time to stop and smell the wisp of lost hope and opportunity.

Taurus Discuss how to redistribute income from the middle class with your caucus over chateaubriand and a bottle of 1978 Romanée-Conti Grand Cru that you'll charge to your taxpayer-funded expense account. Tonight: keep your manicure scissors nearby in case your mistress gets her braces caught in your hair again.

Gemini Practice saying into a mirror: "I know nothing. Nothing!" Then check on the progress of your shredding crew.

Cancer Sad thoughts may bedevil you today. Clear them out of your head by thinking of destroying capitalism. Tonight: party like it's Kim Jong Un Day.

Leo Take time to ignore the deaths in Benghazi and craft legislation restricting access to Benghazi documents. Tonight: clean your bong without checking to see if there's a hit in the chamber because your kids wouldn't smoke your shit.

Virgo A good day to lawyer up. Not that you did anything wrong! Still, a very, very good day to lawyer up. Tonight: practice saying "mistakes were made" in the mirror.

Libra Accuse your opponents of playing the blame game. When they accuse you of playing the blame game by accusing them of playing the blame game, feign chest pains until they apologize. Then start playing the blame-them-for-your-chest-pains game.

Scorpio Replenish your campaign coffers by sending out a fundraising email defending a cop killer because hey, he's a communist, we gots to stand together! Add a P.S. suggesting he should get into politics.

Sagittarius Replenish your campaign coffers by sending out a fundraising email accusing a
conservative TV personality of saying things you disagree with, and insisting that he shut up!Add a P.S. suggesting he should stay out of politics.

Capricorn Today you'll get the urge to express your opposition to legal immigration by accusing anyone opposing illegal immigration of racism. If someone voices skepticism, call them a racist.

Aquarius Count your blessings as a Democrat, such as unfettered love and adoration from the media, newspapers, periodicals and supporting Hollywood movies that allows you to get away with lies, murder and keeping "the constituency" poor and voting for you. Tonight: Block access to a National Monument for veterans just for fun.

Pisces Don’t take no for an answer. Give no for an answer. The 5th amendment is your and your friends friend.