Joe Salazar (D-CO): My Top 10 Lady Tips For Avoiding Rape

Yo, ladies! Joe Salazar here. As you can tell from my picture, I've never had any problems attracting members of the opposite sex.



But even though I'm a musk-scented magnet for women, I'm sad to say not all men have my skills. Certain men can have problems in the area of inter-gender ice-breaking. Their troubles may cause them to stalk, attack, even assault women.

But since I'm a progressive -- and therefore a big supporter of gun-control and chicks -- I'm here to dispense my special, ladies-only advice for protecting yourself without firearms. I care about you, but I also care about a misunderstood, less well-adjusted male who gets his willie shot off just because you, in your hysterical woman-panic, thought he was gonna attack you.

So listen up, chicas, here are my top ten ways to avoid getting raped:

Number 10. Stop dressing like a ho.
Number 9. Try to relate to the attacker’s feelings.

Dumb and Dumber: Top 15 Worst Stimulus Abuses

When President Obama signed the $831 billion stimulus into law in 2009, he stated that “tough choices and smart investments” needed to be made. So what were some of the smart investments? Prepare yourself:

15. $250 sent to a woman in Maryland who died in 1967.
14. $840 spent to disassemble and assemble three desks.

St. Louis “Knock-Out” Artist Meets His Match – Breaks Into Home and Is Shot Dead

"Karma always gets its man, you little bastard. You had a chance to reflect on your poor choices when you got off the felony assault charge. But no, right back to a life of ghetto violence you went, and now you are dead. It's terrible that a 15 year old is dead, but it was his choice. And be sure, there are a lot of libtards that might not be happy about this, but I will bet that a lot of