But even though I'm a musk-scented magnet for women, I'm sad to say not all men have my skills. Certain men can have problems in the area of inter-gender ice-breaking. Their troubles may cause them to stalk, attack, even assault women.
But since I'm a progressive -- and therefore a big supporter of gun-control and chicks -- I'm here to dispense my special, ladies-only advice for protecting yourself without firearms. I care about you, but I also care about a misunderstood, less well-adjusted male who gets his willie shot off just because you, in your hysterical woman-panic, thought he was gonna attack you.
So listen up, chicas, here are my top ten ways to avoid getting raped:
Number 10. Stop dressing like a ho.
Number 9. Try to relate to the attacker’s feelings.
Number 8. Trip your cutest friend and run like hell, while yelling “She’s a skank!”
Number 7. Whatever you do, avoid the Kennedy Compound.
Number 6. Wear a burka and never leave home without a male relative escorting you.
Number 5. At the top of your lungs scream: "I AM CURRENTLY ATTRACTING BEARS."
Number 4. Wait for global warming to cause a meteorite to hit your attacker.
Number 3. Don't be an underage girl in the Dominican Republic when Bob Menendez comes to visit.
Number 2. Urinate on yourself to ruin the mood (warning: may act as an aphrodisiac for Occupy Wall street participants).
Number 1. Ask your would-be rapist to follow you into a safe zone.
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