If Obama were Jesus

Is Obama really like Jesus? While his miraculous superpowers have always been part of the progressive narrative, there has recently been a increase in sightings of Barack Obama's divine nature in the mainstream culture - from a painting that depicts the president as crucified Christ, to Jamie Foxx calling Barack Obama our lord and savior, to a Florida professor who described Obama as an apostle sent to create "heaven here on earth."
Thus, let us ponder on this Christmas Eve about whether we would be better off if Christ were to equal Obama in moral and intellectual prowess. In fact, let us make a list (and check it twice) of what he would do differently:

• He would apologize to Egypt for the renegade Exodus and restore the security and equality of bondage for all.
• He would take money from the Temple to bail out the money changers.
• He would feed the multitudes with five government forms and a roll of red tape.
• All writing on the wall would have to be bilingual by government mandate.
• Disciples would be Palestinians.
• His mentor would try to blow up the Temple.
• Judea papyrus printers would never criticize his actions.
• Public schools would teach about him during his own lifetime.
• The Nazarenes would stop clinging to their slingshots and Torahs.
• Sodom and Gomorrah would be vibrant cultural centers of tolerance and diversity.
• Planned Parenthood would be eliminating the firstborns better than the failed Herod administration.
• The government would limit the size of Roman chariots to avoid climate change.
• Businesses would be found guilty of killing the Dead Sea and be shut down.
• The Last Supper would cost the taxpayers 1.4 billion shekels.
• He would tell Pontius Pilate, "Wait until after the crucifixion, I'll be more flexible then."

On the other hand, if Obama were to play the part of our lord and savior with just a little more zing, his inspirational quotes would also sound differently:

• Give to Caesar what is Caesars, unless you make more than 25 shekels, then deduct column A from E and add to D.
• Blessed are all who have grievances, for they shall be compensated through civil rights lawsuits.
• Blessed are the jobless, for the taxpayers shall be their keepers.
• Blessed are the poor, for theirs is the kingdom of state-expropriated wealth.
• If your right eye causes you to sin, invite the left one to join in; for if it looks good, it can't be wrong.
• If your right hand causes you to sin, make sure to have enough for the left hand; for if it feels good, it can't be wrong.
• Whoever lusts for a woman or man, go right ahead and get the media to cover it up for you.
• I am my brother's keeper, unless he lives in a hut in Kenya.
• A man can have no greater love than to lay down his taxes for others.
• Impose healthcare unto others that you would not impose unto yourself.
• Render unto the Government what belongs to God and hope the Government will provide.
• I say to you, hate your rich neighbors and love the government that redistributes their wealth.
• Whoever in the world slaps you on your cheek, pander to him with largesse.
• If anyone wants to sue you and possess your money, let him have your country, also.
• Love America's enemies, bless those who curse it, do good to those who hate it, and agree with those who spitefully attack it.
• Peter, when you go to Benghazi, I will deny your request for help three times.

Look out for a new, revised Bible at a book store near you. The improved edition will be almost God-free and contain less than 3% opiate for the masses. It will have a lot fewer Jews but many more women and other minorities, with the ever growing Hispanic representation and a vocal Muslim voting bloc, as well as a gay, lesbian, and transgender alliance, mirroring life itself.
Pick any of its different versions that best fits your current moral needs.